Boundaries and Compassion

Lisa Gentile, Moxie Mavericks Life Coach and Mentor Extraordinaire, has pushed, prodded, and supported the Poetic Muselings from early in our adventures. We’ve maintained an on-going exchange of ideas, building on our progress and plans. With the new year’s map unfolded on our virtual table, it seems a good time to share some of Lisa’s material on setting boundaries while maintaining compassion. Food for thought, with our reactions and additions woven in.

As the recent series of posts show, we’re excited about our projects, and new ways to approach them. Balancing the Plan Stage with the Action Stage is always difficult.

We encourage each other to stretch, do big, hairy, scary things. Act as cheerleaders and critics, as the situation called for. We try very hard to listen to the words, and hear what’s behind them, to temper our support.

Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we need to pull back; we, as friends and professional colleagues, cannot fulfill all the roles all the time. Sometimes, the subject is too close to us for us to separate ourselves from the problem.

We each have our own networks of friends, acquaintances, professionals, and family, who are the intricate web that support or entangle us. Sometimes both. We’re called on to provide support to those “others”, and rely on them for the same. What we need isn’t always what we get.

What follows is from Lisa. In many ways, her words grant us permission (if we need it) to step back, reclaim our space and know we deserve to protect ourselves — with tools of compassion for all parties.
***

It’s okay to protect ourselves from someone who has behaved unjustly. We can strive to do it without judgment.

From “Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff:

“Discriminating wisdom clearly sees when an action is harmful or maladaptive, and when we need to protect ourselves from those with bad intentions. However, it also understands that all people are imperfect, that we all make mistakes.”

“It’s useful here to draw a distinction between judgment and discriminating wisdom. Discriminating wisdom recognizes when things are harmful or unjust, but also recognizes the cause and conditions that lead to situations of harm or injustice in the first place.”

When we feel vulnerable and we need to reach out for compassion, it’s okay to be selective about our confidant.

From “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown:

“We have to own our story and share it with someone who has earned the right to hear it, someone whom we can count on to respond with compassion . . . We definitely want to avoid the following…:

The friend who takes on your pain so you end up comforting her.
The friend who responds with sympathy rather than empathy.
The friend who is disappointed in you.
The friend who is so vulnerable that she scolds you or looks for someone to blame.
The friend who is made so uncomfortable by mistakes that she denies your story.
The friend who speaks as if one-upping you is the same as connecting with your vulnerability.”

We all do all of the above from time to time and may continue to be good friends to others. But when we are vulnerable we need the right friend for the occasion.

“When we’re looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and most of all, we need someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles.”

Our exchanges have given me something to think about in terms of tactics for erecting these boundaries. I am open to further thoughts on the matter.

Lisa Gentile, M.S.
Moxie Mavericks Life Coaching
http://www.moxiemavericks.com
http://www.facebook.com/moxiemavericks
http://www.twitter.com/moxiemavericks
lisa@moxiemavericks.com

***

Once again, thank you, Lisa.

Building on what Lisa has identified above, we invite you to ponder the following questions, and to answer with your heart:

How do you choose your confidant?
How do you recognize and communicate the type of feedback you need?
How do you recognize unjust and/or inappropriate comments or actions from others?
Does it happen repeatedly with the same person or people?
Specifically, what tactics have you developed to protect yourself in these situations, separating you (the recipient) from the message and sender of that message?
How and what do you communicate in this scenario?
How do you remain compassionate, but protect your personal boundaries?
How do you heal yourself after such an encounter?
What form of creativity helps you re-center and move forward again?

Please share your ideas, and what you’ve learned on your life’s path. Recognize your strengths; identify where you may need to establish boundaries; trust yourself to try effective methods others have developed; and maintain a sense of compassion for yourself.

In a few weeks, we’ll collate the responses into a follow-up post, so, you can continue to add to your own comments, and build on the thoughts that other people present – like an ongoing dialogue.

Thank you for your courage to participate.

(If you would like your comments to be anonymous, you can send them to me at the following, and I’ll add them in:

Michele Graf — poetic DOT muselings AT gmail DOT com. Drop the spaces, and substitute the dots and at.)

Note – these photos were copied from internet sites before I knew how to identify their priginal sources. I’m searching for that info, so I can properly credit them; if you know the source, please tell me so I can add it in. Thanks.

Decide Now!

I’m a sucker for “OOH! Shiny Things!!!” One of my favorite surfing sites is Lifehacker Australia — you can learn anything from the best description of why Java was a recent menace, and how to delete it from a variety of browsers (sort of works . . . ) to how to use a binder clips and duct tape to do almost anything. They also highlight new apps and special deals on apps. I’ve finally deleted the most addictive game I played incessantly (deleted it twice, actually), and found the most wonderful new Shiny Thing to help when I get into analysis paralysis.

As are many of us creative souls, I’m a very visual person; toss in easy distractibility, a short attention span, and a tendency to try to multi-task. Result? Too many times when I know I have so many things to do and can’t figure out what to tackle first, or how to get back on track. This spiffy new app makes it fun to want to see what’s next.

Decide Now! works on the iPad and iPhone. The wheels do spin, make noise if you want, can be edited and color coded. So far, I haven’t figured out how (or if) you can sync edits. I made up a few wheels on the iPad, and loaded the app on the iPhone, via the Mac, but didn’t get my changes. So, what you see are shots from the trusty iPad.

I started by creating a “master project list” wheel. As I go along, I’ll add in some more fun stuff to keep it interesting, but for now, I have nine choices of short tasks I can do. Even if I want to do one of these, I still have a hard time getting started. But, if I really pay attention, limit my action to a few minutes (like five to ten minutes), I can giggle my way through the choice.

For almost all the Next Project choices, I’ve created a second wheel, with detailed choices of what to do when I land on one. For instance, “Playtime” may or may not have instructions (!), but “Exercise” and “Clean House” have routine tasks. “PM Post”, “Apollo’s Lyre”, “Trip”, and others have items I need to do to catch up/finish/move a project along.

Here’s my working version of , “TaCaMeFe”: a series of physical therapy exercises; instruction to go to the health club to work out, plus another nudge to go ride the stationary bicycle. Take my meds. Drink water. Go to bed!

If I’ve already done the one that shows up, I’ll spin again.

The act of thinking about choices, editing the wheels, and how to limit the time requirement so I would “do something” actually made me stop after a few cycles, as it were, put on my workout  clothes, and head for the gym.

The process of small bites also opened up my eyes to different ways to approach my workout. I need to build up my stamina and strength to do a lot of walking in a few months for a trip. I spent about 15 minutes on the air bike (big fan for a front tire, no settings, just make it go with arms and legs). Then I walked on the treadmill for another 15 minutes. Followed that with a third 15-minute segment on the regular stationary bike, and PT exercises and stretching for the final portion.

None of the pieces was overwhelming, and in a little over an hour, I had an interesting session, timed not by a clock, but by the music I listened to on the iPhone. Three longish songs per segment. Music I only listen to when working out.

Without spinning the wheel, I tackled one of the Daily/Weekly chores I procrastinate about — one of those that makes me drag my heels, cross my arms, pout, and pretend I’ll want to do it later. Right. After an intensifying level of avoidance anxiety, fear I’ll get some dreadful disease, and other flights of frantic thought, I end up handling it. At some point, I hope I realize how much time and energy is spent avoiding, and  under twenty minutes doing it.

This morning, without spinning the wheel, but thinking about it, I did my full a.m. routine before searching for coffee. This was after over  ten hours of sleep last night. I didn’t land on “Go To Bed!” but followed my body when it told me I was tired and could probably fall asleep if I tried at that point. It worked. For an insomniac, that’s a precious gift.

If nothing else, I did something I don’t do enough — I got out of my head and into my body yesterday. Exercised, sweated, stretched, groaned. Walked back and forth from my bedroom to the kitchen with the things I was hand washing; cleaned up when I was done. Washed my face, slathered lotions on it, flossed, hunkered down without trying to do it quietly — Hubby wasn’t asleep yet, and it wasn’t the middle of the night.

Today I’m at the computer, for now. Had a one-way argument with DropBox about an overload I couldn’t seem to fix. Came up with something that worked as the band-aid I needed, instead of continuing to try to make it do what I “know” it “should” do. Wrote this post; it ties in with my 2013 theme of TaCaMeFi — Take Care of Me First. Creating space for my body to move and my mind to be freed from all the shoulds circling, like planes  in limbo, waiting to land.

And now a few words about words . . .

The Sea of Words

Ink flows like river full of life
sometimes easy and smooth
dances over stones, around snags
follows stage direction
on cue, corps de ballet
pivot and bow in sync

Ink sticks, won’t flow
like drops lost in side eddies
circular moves, when they do “something”
otherwise stagnant
wait to be unblocked

Ink sits, bottled, waits
for someone to release
its energy,
splash outrageous thoughts
onto dead tree transformed
to half-human form,
sometimes able to stand
upright with proud spine

Ink bleeds the wounds
and pain, cleanses mind
and body, like leeches
still used to draw poisons
from the soul

Ink is the sea
nourishing, healing
when it isn’t
the water demon
whose kiss drowns

Michele